Female Athletes (1979)

Calling Leonard Kirtman controversial would suggest that someone out there actually likes him !  The subject of many a ’70s skinflick starlet’s horror story, he may indeed be the most universally despised figure in all of adult.  We here at Distribpix believe however in giving every director his due, no matter what we’re up against, and let’s just say that in this case we had our work cut out for us !  Still, “Noblesse Oblige” and there’s just no getting around the fact that Kirtman’s something of a cornerstone in our company’s history, supplying much of the ’60s sexploitation stuff that put us on the map, producing (and possibly directing ?) the likes of Marriage Dropouts, Back Seat Cabbie and The Bed Spread through Kirt Films, keeping Distribpix in dough throughout the decade.  So clearly, a certain amount of gratitude’s definitely in order.  Therefore, allow me to erect (heh heh) the Committee for the Rehabilitation of the Much Maligned Mr. Leonard Kirtman, eminently eligible for a Master’s Degree in the following fields.

Master of Mischief.  The future head honcho of New Rochelle’s International Film Industries (moving offices from Manhattan in 1977) worked his way up – some might say down – from sexploitation to cheap horror flicks aimed at the drive-in circuit.  Even though he had almost certainly been churning out much of the anonymously attributed adults only fare, his “official” first stab at the steering wheel – 1970’s otherwise entirely unremarkable Carnival of Blood – had surreptitiously starred then unknown Hollywood character actor Burt Young.  By some incredible coincidence, Kirtman also happened to fund filmmaker John G. Avildsen’s baptism by fire, an innocuous naughty number named Turn On to Love.  Henceforth, it was with considerable glee our man Lenny took out a full page newspaper ad during the hoity toity Cannes film festival to “sincerely” congratulate both real world celebrities on the box office bonanza that was Rocky, simultaneously reminding them as well as their throngs of instant fans of their humble beginnings !

Master of Disguise.  A 1977 profile in The Standard Star, reproduced on cinema scribe Chris Poggiali’s Temple of Shlock website, had Kirtman vehemently denying involvement in any project that went beyond the socially acceptable R rating.  That same article saw him proudly announcing such family-friendly fare as Herbie the Super Dog along with marginally more risqué endeavors like Locker Room Girls and The Three Nurses, none of which (thankfully ?) seem to have materialized since.  Puff pieces such as these conveniently glossed over a pornographic past that had already pushed beyond the borders of softcore simulation with Lenny’s early ’70s incarnation as “Leo De Leon” and just about every possible permutation thereof, responsible for a slew of forgotten Andrea “More More More” True showcases that include Dance of Love, Sorceress and The Millionairess.  Seeing how his efforts to enter the mainstream were stillborn at best, he eventually threw caution to the wind, reinventing himself as “Leon Gucci”, a moniker which must have sounded classy to him who was obviously nothing of the kind.

Finally, Sleazemeister !  An unsavory character even by publicly perceived sex industry standards, he was to become one of its least liked professionals, especially by those who suffered the misfortunes of working for him.  He notoriously frightened then fledgling Veronica Hart almost right back out of the business when he unceremoniously “stepped in” (by all accounts, neither for the first nor last time even though he has never “officially” performed on camera) for an inconveniently flaccid Zebedy Colt on the set of Tara, the first in a batch of four films he made with her and Seka in 1980.  He would also prove instrumental in said superstar Seka’s separation from husband Ken Yontz, at whose behest she agreed (reluctantly, as one might well imagine) to cooperate with the middle-aged wannabe movie mogul, both on screen and in, shall we say, more private quarters !  More of this kind of cautionary tales that make it all too easy for Moral Majority types to point the finger at the “predatory” porn industry could be found littering the pages of the late Bill Landis’s indelible if aptly named Sleazoid Express.

So there it is, my case for the defense.  Not much to go on, is there ?  Taking his public persona out of the equation, Kirtman’s forte as a filmmaker springs from a similar singlemindedness, eschewing the niceties of production that increasingly embellished erotica to concentrate on the fucking instead.  With Lenny, there’s no room for excuses.  Plots are perfunctory and any cameraman’s greatest concern is to stay in focus and throw in lots of extreme close-ups, resulting in his trademark style which his multitude of detractors would claim as an absence thereof, a rudimentary brand of carnality appealing mostly to the raincoater demographic, the Dirty Mac brigade which always appeared to make up at least half the theatrical audience way back when porn was still a communal experience.  Spotlighting a particular popular starlet has at least enamored their armies of avid aficionados with some of his threadbare titillatory epics such as Inside China Lee a/k/a Kristara Barrington, Up Desiree Lane and of course Inside Desiree Cousteau, erroneously claiming discovery of the woman who first worked for Alex deRenzy on his genuinely subversive masterpiece Pretty Peaches !  Piling up the pretty girls was another tactic he frequently resorted to and, although some of the more fastidious hardcore historians casually dismiss this as another braindead attention-grabbing apparatus, fans were not complaining.  Know thy audience indeed.  He may not have been the best moviemaker that has ever graced the business, to coin an understatement, but he proved one hell of a salesman.

Along with the lively summer camp set Coed Teasers and perhaps The Erotic Adventures of Lolita for the discerning dirty old man in all of us, Female Athletes (or Every Thing You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Female Athletes But Were Too Excited to Ask! to give its full if rarely employed title) qualifies as his best overall work.  A veritable smorgasbord for the seasoned star spotter, it’s also a great place to start for newbies wishing to acquaint themselves with some of the more prolific and popular performers as well as a heaping helping of unsung cult favorites.  As per usual, the flimsiest of pretexts puts the loins in motion.  Annette Haven’s roving reporter Linda Hamilton, eager to divert her imminent dismissal at Sports Life Magazine by zooming in on the increase in female participation in a field traditionally ruled by men, even gaining the upper hand in some disciplines.  Now this of course wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of happening in football, or indeed any of the “real” sports as the type of macho purist so gently spoofed by Richard Pacheco and John Seeman’s trash-talking duo might consider them, but does occur in fencing, swimming, pool and martial arts which the movie’s generally welldone sexual vignettes proceed to illustrate.  The always awesome Annette gets the ball rolling by instructing the kid from the mailroom (David Morris in wide-eyed gee whiz mode, all the more amazing but one year shy of his definitive portrayal of the hunky gardener deflowering Marilyn Chambers on the pool table in Stu “Godfrey Daniels” Segall’s landmark Insatiable) in the finer points of female pleasure before flashing back to her first line of defense in the face of danger as her employer (Paul Thomas) feels forced to let her go unless…  Special chemistry defuses a potentially poor taste set-up, paving the way for the hearts and flowers conclusion (oops ! spoiler ? come ooon !) as PT proposes in the wake of an uncharacteristically aesthetic roll on the deck of a luxury yacht.

Racking her brain while jogging in the rain, Annette hits paydirt when a chance encounter with fellow jogger Jesse Adams (adult’s quintessential blond surfer dude) puts her in the right direction.  A trip to the fencing academy has her witnessing teacher John Holmes’s clumsy defeat at the hands of Desiree Cousteau who comes on to her in the steam room for an outstanding “I never knew I was into this” Sapphic initiation until the King joins in to make it a killer threesome.  The martial arts mêlée gets off to a rocky start with dusky diva Desiree West unfairly relegated to the sidelines by sputtering single credit stud Jim Brown as Crystal Dawn (an early video vixen, memorably strutting her stuff in Hal Freeman’s original 1982 Caught From Behind) picks up the slack by parting her butt cheeks to husky Michael Morrison’s mighty member.  An even better anal, underwater no less (with all the technical challenges this entails, Lenny really did put an extra effort into this one !), comes courtesy of adult’s amazon queen Chris – some sources prefer “Cris” – Cassidy allowing rear entrance to the stalwart Seeman with the splendid Jesie St. James and Pacheco (solid thespians both, considering what little elbow room they’re allotted) as their cheering section.  Dizzy Dorothy LeMay and seldom seen TJ Carson (featured in former actress Clair Dia’s affable Screwples and Shaun Costello’s swansong Heaven’s Touch) play a pair of pool hall hustlers, parting Jon Martin and Carl Regal (forever the befuddled coach from Joanna Williams’s schoolgirl classic Little Girls Blue) with a wad of their hard-earned, then hitting the velvet to repay them in kind.

PT’s plans to make an honest woman out of Annette prompt the orgy finale where you’ll need a road map to keep track of who’s doing what to whom.  This proves particularly unfortunate when you consider that the exquisite Bonnie Holiday performs a fleeting DP (as in double penetration for the tragically clueless) but I can’t for the life of me tell you who’s in front and back.  The guys include several of porn’s traditional workhorses like Blair Harris (who closely resembles the previously mentioned Morris but measures about a foot taller), Ken Scudder and the ubiquitous Don Fernando.  Look out for handsome muscular as well as occasionally switchhitting stud Johnny Harden who played Dracula in a threeway with one shot starlet Jeanette Harlow and an as of yet still unidentified mystery guy in a Tricky Dicky mask (who just might be, I have on good authority, one of TV’s most beloved character actors of the ’70s…uh oh !) in Howard Ziehm’s terrific loop carrier Star Virgin.  Lisa K. Loring is the tiny (under 5ft !) brunette who was marketed as TV’s Wednesday Addams all grown up though that’s a different actress of the same name who wound up marrying Jerry Butler in an astonishing case of the adult industry and the real world feeding off one another.  The frizzy-haired brunette’s Marlene Munroe, a Carlos Tobalina regular displayed in his decrepit I Am Always Ready and marginally more palatable Come Under My Spell though her most reputable credit’s for Fred Lincoln’s solid showcase Serena, an Adult Fairy Tale.

Striking the iron while it’s hot, and realizing full well that pretty soon she probably wouldn’t give him the time of day, Kirtman rushed three Desiree Cousteau projects into production (apart from this and Inside, there’s also Deep Rub) in close conjunction of one another, employing the same technical team which seems to have fallen off the radar since.  This goes for producer Harold Adams, DoP John Simolowitz (showing superior sophistication to Lenny’s habitual lensmen) and composer John N. Michael who would also pop up on Lolita though without the benefit of songstress “Fanny Arr” whose vocal stylings add a unique haunting quality to the Cousteau combo.

Directed by Leonard Kirtman (as Leon Gucci). Produced by Harold Adams for IFII Films. Photographed by John Simolowitz. Music by John N. Michael (with songs by Fanny Arr). Edited by David Jackson. Starring Annette Haven (Linda Hamilton), Paul Thomas (Derek), John Holmes (Fencing Instructor), Desiree Cousteau (Fencing Student), John Seeman (John), Jesie St. James (John’s Wife), Richard Pacheco (Bart), Chris Cassidy (Bart’s Wife), Dorothy LeMay (Poolplaying Redhead), TJ Carson (Poolplaying Brunette), Desiree West (Orange Belt), Crystal Dawn (Yellow Belt), Michael Morrison (Black Belt), Jim Brown (Blue Belt), David Morris (Roger), Jesse Adams (Larry), Carl Regal (Harold), Jon Martin (Harold’s Buddy), Bonnie Holiday, Lisa K. Loring, Marlene Munroe, Ken Scudder, Don Fernando, Blair Harris, Johnny Harden and Spence Davis (Orgy People). Running time : 85 minutes.

By Dries Vermeulen