Blonde Goddess (1982)

Becoming “Bill Eagle” for the remainder of his carnally creative career, Bill Milling bid a fond farewell to plot in this transitional title combining the cream of styles old and new.  Mixing the narrative density of his “Philip T. Drexler Jr.” pictures with the zany humour from the “Dexter Eagle” days for good measure, Blonde Goddess fits just as snugly among his lavish legacy of globe-hopping girlie shows inaugurated with 1982’s original All American Girls.  Although an occasional starlet might accompany him on the frequent travels necessitated by his “real world” occupation as a highflying TV producer commuting between the States and Japan, he would basically grab as many stock shots as possible of recognizable tourist traps to be inserted as intricately integrated establishing footage embellishing domestically shot dirty deeds at a later date.  Pulling the wool over the public’s eyes, he would perpetuate the illusion of international intimacy through clever use of such rapidly going out of style cinema trickery as matte paintings and rear projection.  Now before some clever clogs chips in with the observation that his technical tomfoolery’s totally transparent here, they should take into account the director’s intentional tribute to the affectionately remembered poverty row cinema serials of the ’30s and ’40s, blending in beautifully with one of porn’s frequent revisitations of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the famous James Thurber story filmed as a particularly popular Danny Kaye vehicle.  The shy daydreamer whose heroic fantasy life ultimately spills into reality was to become something of a stock character, even in adult, with “Cecil” Howard Winters and Roberta Findlay putting perhaps the most innovative spin on the template with their 1976 Fantasex.

Not altogether coincidentally, the husband and wife team of Edwin and Summer Brown had just scored a massive hardcore hit with their Mitty mêlée Irresistible on the West Coast.  Even just skimming the surface, it’s clear that Milling closely copied that carnal classic’s combo of corny comedy and colorful fantasy scenarios.  Male protagonist “Jonathan Ford”, previously known as David Messa who had played his most substantial part in Chris Covino’s Blue Jeans alongside the equally elusive Brooke Bennett, proves a dead ringer for star Richard Pacheco to boot, aping his fumbling aw shucks routine to a T.  As long-suffering cartoonist Elmo Smathers, he slaves away dutifully for domineering Dr. Robert Fish (Shaun Costello’s regular character thesp Gordon G. Duvall in a rare porn performing part) at the bustling offices of Marble Comics, recently besieged by moral majority maven Frieda Farnsworth (played with more attitude than ability by Misty Regan) who accuses them of slipping an unhealthy dose of sexual suggestion into their drawings.  Australian born Regan left an indelible impression as John Leslie’s rearender in Sam Weston’s 1981 Nothing to Hide, though she had entered the business several years before, illuminating Carlos Tobalina crap like Champagne Orgy and Three Ripening Cherries with the fiery sensuality so typically associated with redheads.  She continued working well into the ’90s and was undoubtedly instrumental in then husband John T. Bone’s illfated brush with “Australian Erotica” as none of the younger chicks (curiously including Dutch Diedre Holland) could match mama’s heat.  Between Fish barking orders and Frieda carping as the closet case that she is, it’s enough to send poor Elmo scurrying off into wishfulfilment daydreams fueled by the company’s controversial publications.

Action adventure’s up first with Jungle Jane and Louisiana Smith stumbling across a Mayan temple in the Yucatan where Frieda’s fantasy incarnation’s about to be royally ravished by a taut-looking Ken Yontz who supplied stud service for several more years following his separation from Seka.  Titular blonde goddess Amorella (Susanna Britton) appears to express her enslavement to Smith/Smathers’s macho posturing just as our hapless hero’s brutally yanked out of his blissful rêverie.  She will continue to pop up in different guises and varying states of undress as each episode draws to a close, always out of reach to the frustrated Elmo (ironically sabotaging his stab at success, even in his own imagination !), Milling building audience anticipation for when his star attraction will eventually put out.  Beautiful Britton, née Barbara Peckinpaugh, was a Suze Randall discovery (the loop she shot with the late Kevin James can be found on Suze’s Centerfolds #3) with Hollywood hopes that never reached fruition, allegedly taking her own life as a result.  Blonde Goddess contains her only feature film fornicatory footage.  She had performed a slow striptease while narrating the various vignettes in Chris Warfield’s Garters and Lace, her 1980 debut, like other mainstream wannabes such as Dyanne Thorne (Beyond Fulfilment) and Kitten Natividad (Sheer Panties) had done before.  Aimed more at a then emerging cable market in a watered down edit, Svetlana’s lukewarm Bad Girls II saw her simulating solo sex, leaving the dirty work to more pliant performers like Brooke Fields and fellow Randall find Debi Diamond.  Fleeting appearances baring all in Brian De Palma’s Body Double and the Joan Collins skeleton in the cupboard Homework notwithstanding, she found her niche in irredeemably cheesy if cultishly cherished cable fare including Howard Heard’s sleazy slasher Shadows Run Black and Donald Jackson’s description-defying genre bender Roller Blade which cast her as a rollerskating lesbo nun in the none too distant future !

Pleasingly professional WW I plane footage kicks off the freewheeling Flying Aces segment as Elmo’s Johnny Yank rises to defend his country from dastardly German Black Baron with Ron Jeremy having a field day mangling the language.  He’s matched, nay surpassed, by Nicole Scent (Jerry Butler’s frisky fiancée from Milling’s Delicious) who practically pole-vaults over the top with a ludicrous Froggy accent even the cast of ‘Allo ‘Allo! might consider a bit much as a French filly eager to do her bit for the war effort.  Hamming it up against Ronnie, she leaves poor Jacqueline Lorians as a fellow local lass completely in the lurch.  Fortunately, she comes into her own as Girl Friday secretary Sadie to gumshoe Jack Hammer, successfully sending up noir with Chandleresque narration and stylish black and white cinematography courtesy of the mono-monikered “Misha” who was also credited on Bill’s In the Pink (an All American Girls entry in all but name due to its funding through Don “Howard A. Howard” Walters’s Evart Enterprises rather than his own Praexis Productions) and The Starmaker, a sleeper showcase for reliable second stringer Lisa Cintrice and jointly helmed by Yontz and Mike Filene under their real names of Ken Michaels and Ron Feilen.  The latter (probably best remembered as a last minute replacement for Bill Margold, playing the judge in Svetlana’s original Bad Girls, he became a police officer in Las Vegas upon his exit from erotica !) leaves a solid impression as shady Mr. Big looking to buy the priceless Abu Dhabi Dildo off the conniving Van Horn sisters headed by Loni Sanders as mastermind Millie.  The alley group grope with wedded wantons Matt and Tamara West (appearing separately in Covino’s terrific Babe and as a package deal in his buddy Beau Janson’s Wild Innocents) fairly cooks with a cute twist as Sadie and sister Sue step in to save the day.

It’s back to full color with a vengeance when evil alien Megazon (sort of a distaff Darth Vader with a touch of Ming the Merciless grandiloquence) vies for world domination by going toe to toe with Elmo as Tony Steele, construction worker – accounting for the lack of shirt showing off his ripped abdomen – and exobiologist !  Terry Gilliam type animation cleverly covers up the lack of elaborate f/x as Heather Young (a/k/a “Colleen Anderson” and any number of adult aliases), already an industry veteran of almost a decade, awaits rescue from abduction into deep space.  Her indoctrination consists of being thrown to the Sapphic savagery of repeat offenders Loni and Nicole, a scene reaching full boil as Young makes way for two incredibly cute if sadly uncredited guys sporting massive Jewfroes, set to that ubiquitous “I like it, I like it a lot” disco ditty anyone familiar with early ’80s adult should immediately identify.  Heather thanks her savior by 69ing in zero gravity, expanding upon the effect Bill (who had a legitimate background in the field) contributed to Howard Winters’s superlative Neon Nights.  Cleverly contrived conclusion has Elmo permanently withdrawing into his fantasy state so he can forever be with his enamored Amorella, the tease proving worth the wait.

As Milling was now in the habit of shooting stuff whenever the situation would allow for it, often fitting scenes into projects produced years down the line, leftovers were inevitable.  Due to their outlandish nature on this particular show, these did not easily fit into any of the All American Girls travelogues.  Thankfully for all of us adult aficionados, Joe Sarno salvaged much of the cutting room clippings by incorporating them into his 1984 Hot Stuff, linking them with newly created wraparound footage of the delightful Danielle as a pulp fiction authoress in need of inspiration.

Directed by Bill Milling (as Bill Eagle). Written by Milling and Kang T. Kruel (as C.T. Cruel). Produced by Bob Bouchard for Planet Pictures and Evart Enterprises. Photographed by Misha. Edited by Lola Berenson. Starring Susanna Britton (Amorella/Contessa/Sue Van Horn), David Messa (as Jonathan Ford) (Elmo Smathers/Louisiana Smith/Johnny Yank/Jack Hammer/Tony Steele), Jacqueline Lorians (Sadie/French Tart), Loni Sanders (Millie Van Horn/Megazon’s Sex Slave), Nicole Scent (Jacqueline/Space Slut), Misty Regan (Frieda Farnsworth/Temple Tramp), Heather Young (Alien Abductee), Tamara West (Jill Van Horn), Ron Jeremy (Black Baron), Mike Filene (Mr. Big), Matt West (Bruno), Gordon G. Duvall (Dr. Robert Fish/Temple Overseer/Megazon), Ken Yontz (Temple Guard), Jungle Jane (“as Herself”) & Jane Kelton (Non-Sex Extra). Running time : 82 minutes.

David Messa finally gets his goddess : feast your eyes on the beauty that was Susanna Britton

By Dries Vermeulen